‘Her touch just makes me wanna…’

The Bronx, The Boroughs of New York City                        7th September 2016

I never had no father figure in my life. He died the day I turned ten. Growing up with four sisters, I never had the chance to explore my emotions. 

Strange, ain't it?

who am i?

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No tears, no vulnerability, not even a flicker of satisfaction when I achieve something. The shit I did had to get done anyway, so why should I feel proud about it? Have you ever seen the bin man feel glorious after he removed waste from the streets?

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I've always been numb to the pain.

If there were ever a glimpse of being sucked into the world of emotion, all I had to do was wrap it up, all into a blunt and smoke it like it didn't exist. The well-being of my family was all that mattered to me, and anything that messed with that never lasted.
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Don't misread me; love was there, somewhere deep inside. I never quite grasped how to let it out.
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I had become a master of detachment, a stoic figure navigating a world of obligations and responsibilities. While I may not have understood the dance of emotions, I knew one thing: I would do whatever it took to protect those I cared for, even if it meant burying my desires beneath a facade of indifference.

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A STEP TO FIGURING IT OUT

Before anything else, the streets became my idol, leaving no room for the tender-hearted. But, out there, I learned about my irrational beliefs and responsibilities as a man.
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I've felt part of something since I got under Roc's wing. It was the first time I found a sense of belonging. Through his guidance, I found a better father figure than my blood could ever offer.
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No man can claim that title if they can walk out on their own blood.

Although I had a solid reputation in Long Wood, especially for someone my age, I never considered myself a product of my environment. I picked up a pencil before I picked up a gun. A rare gem in my possession, a limited edition Staedler Lumograph Pencil, a Christmas gift from my Grandfather six years back.
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I didn't get it at first because I didn't know what the f*ck I was supposed to do with it, but the minute I put pen to paper, I became intoxicated.
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From writing personal entries to drawing naked women, it was all fun until I realized I was designing my future. Doing all that it's been great building, but how was I supposed to build a life without the funds?

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MONEY OR GIRLS?

I was raking in more dough than I knew what to do with. More than I could even wrap my head around. It was enough to secure my family's future and live that lavish life I always dreamt of.

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But deep down, I always felt that my risks weren't worth the life I desired. So I had to grind it out, doing what was necessary to scrape by and claim that life I damn well deserved.

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That real, legit life, baby. A beautiful contradiction.

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At the tender age of sixteen, while my peers were discovering the thrill of their first kisses, I took the lives of two men.

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But I didn't let that define me. Nah, it was what I built and brought to life that defined me.

Nothing in this world could stand in my way when it came to that.

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But the only thing that could stop me was the lack of the connection I needed. and I only realized this when i met her.

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Sure, I had my fair share of girls. But in my youth, they were all just girls my age. I had plenty of them ( the streets can vouch for me), but there was something different about her. I couldn't put my finger on it, but it was the first time I felt like this.

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At the start of a fresh semester, Bronx Charter School of Excellence (BSCE)

Finally, I found myself back in school, armed with a new perspective on life and a fresh outlook on everything around me.

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Navigating this double life required careful calculation and intelligence. I had to be strategic in every move I made. Everything seemed relatively calm and under control until I crossed paths with the new girl in my class.
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From the moment she walked through that door, it was clear she operated on a whole different wavelength.

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Some of the kids had enough perception to recognize her uniqueness, but most of them remained oblivious.

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Yet, what struck me most was her obliviousness to her own allure. She didn't seek validation from others; she carried herself with absolute confidence.

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She embraced her eccentricities without a care in the world. As she entered the classroom, all eyes gravitated toward her. She sat down a couple of seats in front of me.

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WHEN WILL TEN STOP?

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She had that warm and gentle vibe, you know? She wasn't the typical girl I was used to. Intrigued by the difference, I couldn't resist her aura.

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When in school, it was all about handling business, especially after the crazy Summer I had. Ain't no time for distractions.

But she just had to be who she was. 

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"Good morning, everyone! Welcome to a new year, and I hope you all had a memorable summer, but it's time to get down to it."

The fine Ms. Lambeau announced. 

"And remember to warmly welcome our newest addition to the School of Excellence. Greetings, NevEAh."

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Everybody's eyes locked onto her as she flashed that innocent smile, and you could hear the whispers buzzing around the room. Clueless about the social scene she stepped into, she dug into her bag and pulled out a fresh bouquet and a box of chocolates for Ms. Lambeau as a shout-out for the warm welcome. As expected, the whole class burst into laughter, tryna throw her off on her first day.

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But man couldn't shake her. She shrugged off the hate like it was nothin', and just like that, she had my full attention.

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SCHOOL BOYS

"Yo, this chick is dumb as rocks. She ain't never seen the inside of a school." One of the guys yelled out.

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"You know all about it, though? Convo coming from someone who's been chilling in the same grade for the last two years. Sort your priorities out, son." I shot back. 

The motion in me needed to humble him.

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there goes her smile again. I made sure not TO look her way, avoiding eye contact. I knew she found it amusing, but I wasn't about to let her know I had it like that.

Everyone knows 10's got it like that.

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(BELL RINGS AS CLASS COMES TO AN END)

The class bell rings, signaLling the start of recess. I meet up with my guys to grab some grub and spot the new girl enjoying her homemade meal solo.

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There's something about how she carries herself, minding her business. As I psych myself up to make a move and shoot my shot, something unexpected goes down.

She won't catch a break in this school with the way things were kicking off.

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A CLEAN LESSON

A couple of kids from our class stepped up to her like she used to  slap their moms back in the day.

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They brought their classroom antics with them and started messing with her, like they had nothin' else to do. Having protected women all my life, the situation wasn't sitting right with me.

Momma always warned me to stay outta trouble 'cause she couldn't handle the thought of parents mourning their kids. So, I tried to keep a level head...But they just had to push my buttons, didn’t they?

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Neveah didn't give a damn about their desperate cries for attention while she was tryna enjoy her lunch, but it only made 'em more agitated.

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Outta nowhere, they dumped milk all over her. Unable to control my frustration, A quick one-two combo had the dope on the floor, and all the dopes around him that thought it was cool to bully a schoolgirl backed off before you could say knife.

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The get back was necessary, but it also got me pissed. I got enough trouble outside these school walls, so I ain't tryna attract no unnecessary attention in here.

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Walking down the hallway towards my locker, I peeped that Neveah had dipped out of the cafeteria. Heading for my locker down the hallway, she reappears before me, coming out of the girls' bathroom.

My stride slowed down as I got closer to her. Out of my comfort zone, I decided to check up on her.

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"You good?" I asked, keeping it casual.

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"I'm fine. Used to it," she replied, sounding a little worn out.

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"You sure?" I persisted, genuinely wanting to make sure she was alright.

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She paused for a sec, thinking it over, and then said, "Thanks anyway."

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She wasn't feeling the conversation, so I walked away, not wanting to waste anyone else's time.

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"By the way, my name is Neveah. I missed yours?" she called out as I started walking away, putting some distance between us.

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I stop to turn around and let her know my name. And then I walk off again. 

Intrigued by my sense of protection but eager to find answers about my individuality, this encounter was the beginning of something refreshing. 

unseen connections

In a few months, we went from being total opposites to spending every day together. In a time when boys and girls couldn't see eye to eye, she became a true best friend. Respect went hand-in-hand with our friendship, and as a result, I valued her even more.

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Despite her curiosity about who I am and how I live, she never tried to pressure me. Her tone was so soft when she spoke that you didn't want to argue with her. Since she loved watching and observing everything around her, she probably understood me better than me.

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I felt comfortable, mainly when I spoke about my family and myself. She knew exactly how I felt about the void left by my father, and even though she always listened, I don't think she could ever fully understand it.

But that didn't stop her from bringing tranquility and peace of mind.

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The ball was coming up, and I had been racking my brain, searching for a way to ask her without making things awkward, cause.. it ain't like that, you know?

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"Hey." 

Neveah glides up to my locker, radiating that irresistible energy.

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"What's happening, b?" I asked, my curiosity piqued by the excitement in her eyes.

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"Guess who just slid into my DM's for the ball. I never thought I'd be his flavor, though. Shit's wild 'cause.." 

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There it is. Even though I've always been confident, now I'm second-guessing myself. I never thought I'd give a damn if it got to this point. But this feeling I got right now? It's unfamiliar.

Like, why the hell do I suddenly care? I never even saw her like that.

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"But anyways, I told him I was going with you." She finally ended. 

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just like that, reality smacks me in the face. What a change of direction in the conversation.

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I was still shocked, though. How was she chatting about someone she wasn't even feeling like that? Or am I just gassed?

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"Oh shit... I Wasn't even tryna head over to the ball like that.—"

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" — Quit playin', 10. We both know you had no other options, and you always knew you were coming with me." she interrupts, a mix of wildness and softness in her voice, killing the vibe I was trying to land.

"You know I ain't feeling nobody like that anyway." 

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I obviously knew that.

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Why did I get lost in the first place? I be trippin' sometimes. But let's not shy away from the fact that she said she was going with me. Am I the GOAT, or am I the goat?

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UNDEVELOPED FLAVORS

Picking up the baddest chick in school? No biggie.
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I wasn't really into her like that, but I gotta admit, I dug the way

everyone else was. Gave me a sense of swagger.

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I ring the doorbell, and a very excited mother answers the door.

"Hmm you must be ten...Neveeahhhhhh," she screams.

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"I'm coming!" Neveah's voice echoes from her bedroom. Eventually, she descends the stairs, and as she approaches, I find myself admiring her in a way I hadn't anticipated.

She's even finer than I imagined, causing me to lose focus for the second time today.

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I never lose focus.

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"so.. are we gonna leave?"

She asks, a nervous smile playing on her lips.

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"Yeah...you look good, I pause briefly to take in her appearance- yeah, let's go."

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I open the door to my mom's red Lincoln for her and close it behind her. I never imagined opening a door for anyone. Despite all this fairytale treatment, it doesn't change the fact that I've got a platonic relationship with her. I'm just playing my part, and I guess she was, too.

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HIGH SCHOOL RHYTHM

We finally reached the high school ball, just like I imagined.

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As I entered the grand hall, I was immediately struck by the flashy decorations that adorned every inch of the room. Ethereal lights were strung along the ceiling, casting a mesmerizing glow over the dance floor below.

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The walls were adorned with shimmering ribbons in a kaleidoscope of colors, creating an electric and alive atmosphere.

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In the center of the room, the DJ was set up on a stage, surrounded by a sea of bodies moving to the beat. The floor was a blur of motion as couples turned up and showed out, lost in their own world.

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The air was thick with the sound of laughter and the smell of sweat as everyone let loose and had a good time.

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Walking through the crowd, I couldn't help but be blown away by all the fresh threads on display. The girls were rockin' glittery dresses, with their hair styled to perfection like they were straight outta a magazine.

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The guys were suited up, lookin' sharper than ever, like they owned the place. The whole room was on fire with the energy of celebration, everyone coming together to mark the end of the school year with a bang.

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The high school ball was one for the books, man. It was a night I didn't want to see come to an end. So we bounced outta the school and rolled up to her mom's crib.

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No one was home.

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THE NIGHT IS YOUNG

"So, where are you headed now?" Neveah asked, curiosity coloring her voice.

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"Just going home. You good?" I replied, keeping it casual.

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"Well, my mom's not home, and I don't feel like being alone tonight. Wanna come inside and chill for a bit?" Her words hung in the air, a tempting invitation.

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Homegirl and I have always been tight, no doubt. But this proposition had me wondering. What was she really getting at?

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"For real? Your mom ain't gonna flip?" I asked, seeking reassurance.

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"Nah, she won't be back till tomorrow. And even if she was, I'd vouch for you. You ain't never got me in no trouble," Neveah assured me.

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Her words were music to my ears. I had my confirmation, so I wasn't about to stretch things out any longer.

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"True. Alright, I'm down. Let's go inside." I said.

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"Follow me." 

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childhood trauma

We stepped into her crib and went upstairs to the freshly renovated attic she'd been talking about for a minute. With her mom out of the picture, the vibe shifted, but I knew better than to jump to wild conclusions. 

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Neveah bounced downstairs for some snacks and drinks, leaving me to scout for something to watch on the mammoth screen.

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Just as she returned, my phone started blowin' up with a call from my sister. That call got me heated.

Momma had two missed calls from my father.

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Why's he tryna get back into the mix like it wasn't his decision to leave?

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Frustration seeped from my pores, and it seemed Neveah shared the sentiment. 'You don't realize how fortunate you are,' she spat, irritation dripping from her words.

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"What you tryna say?" I shot back, caught off guard by her sudden attitude change.

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"Can't you be grateful for one moment that your father is still breathing?" Neveah's words were a mix of frustration and concern.

"Ever since I've known you, it's been obvious that you've got this massive emotional wall blocking you from truly living. But I don't understand why you're too afraid to even have the balls to find out why it's there in the first place," Neveah continued.

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"What you tryna say, Neveah," I started, but she cut me off again.

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"Nah, you still ain't getting it. I never had the chance to meet my parents, and I've come to terms with the fact that I never will.

I'll always wonder why they did what they did, but I've had to accept that I'll never have the answers. But you, you don't have to. How can you hold so much hate towards someone who is supposed to be blood anyway?"

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YOUR LIFE, SOMEONE'S DREAM

It hit me like a ton of bricks, man. Neveah was an orphan.

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The realization slammed into me hard, and suddenly, I couldn't help but feel a surge of sympathy for her. But just as quickly, the old script that had been drilled into me my whole life came rushing back:

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"He left my moms and us and never looked back," I grumbled, feeling like she just tore open a fresh wound.

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"Listen, we're all just flawed humans, man. Ain't none of us perfect, but we sure as hell ain't all bad either. You don't even know the full story, the real deal about what went down between him and your mom, or why he made his choices. The least you can do for your peace of mind is to uncover the truth. Maybe then you wouldn't be carrying all that anger for nothing."

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The room fell into an uneasy silence, and her words hit me like a freight train. It was a whole new side of her I had never seen before—raw, unguarded, and genuine. In that moment, I gained a newfound respect for her, realizing just how much she'd been through since she was just a kid.

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We tried to brush it off and act like nothing had happened, but there was definitely something in the air—tension crackling between us like electricity.

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To set things right, I summoned every ounce of courage I had and prepared to apologize. But before I could even get the words out, she surprised me by rushing in and kissing me. We locked eyes, both caught off guard for a moment, but deep down, I knew I couldn't let this chance slip away. So I went all in, leaning in for the kill.

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Where you Been- Frank Vocals (apple music)

♨️

Our tongues danced and tangled in a heated battle, locked in a passionate embrace.

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I didn't ease up, breaking away from her warm and velvety lips, slowly trailing down to the side of her neck.

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With each tender kiss, I savored the taste of her skin, taking my sweet time to explore her every curve.

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"Yo, you feelin' this?"  I whispered against her neck, sensing the shiver that ran through her.

"Yeah, don't stop," she exhaled, her grip on my shoulders tightening.

We were getting lost in the moment, our undeniable chemistry igniting like electricity.
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I knew we were about to cross a line, and there was no turning back.

I slid my hand to her waist, pulling her closer to me.
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A soft moan escaped her lips as I pressed my hips against hers, feeling her heat through the thin fabric of our clothes.

"Are you sure about this?" I asked, my warm breath caressing her ear.
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"Yes," she whispered, her fingers tangling in my hair.

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No turning back now. We were caught up in the moment, and nothing else mattered but the two of us.

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And just before you knew it, at the age of sixteen, I caught my first body.

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THREE WEEKS LATER... 

(SCHOOL BELL RINGS) 🔔

Finally, the weekend's here. Been counting down the days for this sh*t. Neveah's been my backbone, helping me sketch out my goals, the only one who sparks my creative grind. And she's been my escape from all the other crap that's been weighing me down.
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Before we jetted off to her place straight from school, we hit up 'Joe's Grind House' – our go-to spot – for some coffee and pastries.

The vibe's always lit on weekends. You step in, hit with the scent of freshly roasted coffee beans, grooving to smooth jazz in the background.

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That place? It's like a shot of pure energy and focus whenever I need that extra boost. It's as much a source of inspiration and motivation as a damn good cup of joe.

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But today? Today was different. Been a regular here long enough to know the faces, but there was someone new, giving off this weird vibe. Now, I ain't one to easily get spooked, but this dude had me feeling all kinds of off-balance. There was just something about him that didn't sit right with me.

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SIXTH SENSE

"Baby, what you tryna get?" Neveah said, snapping me out of my daze. 

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"I ain't sure, but that dude over there got me feelin' some type of way," I replied, tryna figure out what was buggin' me.

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"Which dude you talkin' about?" Neveah asked, scanning the spot.

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"The one posted up in the corner, starin' me down," I said, pointing him out to her.

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Aww, don't even trip. He's probably just admiring your aura," Neveah said, smirkin'.

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"Nah, it ain't that. Somethin' 'bout him just ain't right," I replied, still feeling uneasy.

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"Well, let's just enjoy our coffee and snacks and not let him ruin our vibe," Neveah said, handing me my latte.

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I took a sip of my coffee, trying to shake off the feeling, but I couldn't help but keep an eye on the shady character lurking in the corner.

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PARO

Alright, it's time to get down to business. It's either him or me, and I ain't down for no surprises. I stood up from my seat, feeling my heart racing as I took each step closer to the stranger in the corner. As I got closer, I realized the stranger knew me, but I couldn't place him.

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"Can I help you?" I asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

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"You don't remember me?" the stranger replied, his voice tinged with sadness.

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"Should I?" I shot back, keeping my guard up.

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"I'm your father," he said, and my mind went blank.

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A BORED FATHER

Every day, I'd play scenarios in my head, wondering how I'd react if my father dared resurface and try to re-enter my life. Momma took the longest to heal from his abandonment, so I swore I wouldn't be about that life. Or so I thought.

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"What the fuck are you doin' here?" I snapped, anger and confusion oozing from my voice.

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He let out a heavy sigh, his eyes filled with a mix of sadness and longing. "I came to the city for a reason... to see you," he confessed, his tone laced with vulnerability. "I know this shit is all messed up, but please, just give me a chance to make things right."

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I stood there, caught between the weight of the past and a flicker of hope for a different future.

It's been six damn years since this motherfucker ghosted on me. Haven't laid eyes on his sorry ass since. And in that time, I had to step the fuck up and be a man, handle my own shit without any damn guidance. But now he decides to pop up outta nowhere, thinking I'm gonna welcome him back with open arms. Shit, I ain't that naive. But there's somethin' 'bout him showin' up here, knowin' exactly where to find me, that's got me curious. I need to know what the fuck he's got to say, even if it ain't much. But let me make it clear, I ain't no fool. I will hear him out but with a level head and my guard up high.

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"Your mom was wrong, but I was man enough to take the blame…."

a quick moment

The stranger and I went our separate ways, each of us returning to our own lives.

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Neveah, always curious, couldn't help but ask, "What went down 10?"
I took a moment, feeling grateful for her presence. "Thank you, girl. I appreciate you," I replied, knowing she might be confused. "Now, let's get back to work on this blueprint."

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Today was one of those days that opened my eyes to some real shit. I discovered who's really got my back and who just frontin'. And if it wasn't for her, I wouldn't have had this eye-opening experience.

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I AM WHO I AM

The minute I looked at her, I knew she was something else. I couldn't quite put my finger on it, but there was this magnetic pull like I was drawn to her against my own will.

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It wasn't just about her looks, even though she had that long, dark hair, that silky smooth skin, and those eyes that sparkled like champagne. And damn, the way she moved; it was like poetry in motion.

But there was something more, something that hit me deep in my core.

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She breathed fresh air into my black-and-white world, a softness that I craved. I knew right then and there that I had to get to know her, feel her energy, and become a part of it.

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And all it took was her mellow push, her unwavering support, an understated touch, her soft touch.

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Softness is a female's greatest strength. Softness is Day 003.

#10OUT

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